How Dialectical Thinking Can Help You Balance Self-Acceptance and Change
“Life is a process of balancing acceptance and change.”
— Marsha Linehan
Many of my clients are high-achieving leaders who often struggle with managing their emotions.
A few years ago, I trained in an approach called Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), designed to support people with emotional regulation.
A dialectical approach simply means looking at two seemingly opposite sides or perspectives, and seeing them both as valid.
The idea of fully accepting where we are while simultaneously exploring how we can continue to grow made so much sense to me and helped me address a tension I had felt for years:
How do we motivate ourselves towards change without giving ourselves a hard time?
How can we treat ourselves with kindness without feeling that we are becoming complacent?
What I have observed in myself, and many of my clients, is that we either push ourselves to change by worrying, judging, or criticising ourselves, or we fear that we won’t achieve our goals if we cut ourselves “too much” slack.
Dialectics suggests that ACCEPTANCE of ourselves exactly as we are and CHANGE towards where we want to be are BOTH valid and possible simultaneously.
For the first time, I saw an approach that allows us to be both compassionate and understanding while motivating ourselves towards the changes we want to bring into our lives.
From Self-Criticism to Self-Support
I practised this dialectical approach for a few weeks and noticed how much easier it was to motivate myself from a supportive stance instead of letting the usual inner critic take over with its “not enough” rhetoric.
I was now ready to bring this into my coaching sessions.
For a few months, I had been coaching a female leader working in an extremely fast-paced and stressful corporate environment. Her company wasn’t doing well, the relationship with her boss was going through a rocky patch and she constantly felt that she was “doing something wrong” and needed to “do better”.
This self-blame created a vicious cycle of stress, overwhelm, and exhaustion. Even though she was putting so much energy into her work and making progress, she wasn’t able to experience any sense of satisfaction or even rest. I was afraid my client was on a fast road to burnout.
After listening to her for the first half of the session — distressed, frustrated, and exhausted — I paused and then said her name followed by:
You are doing your best…
…AND you can continue to improve.
After a few moments of silence, the tears started rolling down her face.
She had been keeping her “foot on the gas” for a long time. In that moment, she finally allowed herself to slow down.
Interestingly, once we unpacked this process further, it wasn’t the words “You are doing your best” that caused the shift. I had tried those words before in previous sessions without much effect.
It was the balance of these two opposites, acknowledging she was doing her best AND could still strive to improve, that allowed her to break the cycle.
Then, later in the session, we managed to explore a “place in the middle” that felt much more manageable, without feeling she was becoming complacent.
If You’re New to Dialectics, Try These 3 Simple Skills
If you want to give dialectics a try, here are 3 easy skills to get you going:
1. Use “Ands” instead of “Buts”
Unless used consciously, the word “but” tends to invalidate the previous statement. Picture this in a meeting at work:
“I see what you are saying, but…”
Without even knowing what comes next, how does the phrase above feel?
Instead, notice how this feels:
“I see what you are saying, and…”
Using “and” instead of “but” is not a magic formula AND (see what I did there?) that shift in language has the potential to bring more balance between opposites. This can reduce defensiveness, invite a common ground, and even help access more mental flexibility.
2. Validate the Other’s Perspective
In human relationships, whether professional or personal, I often see the tendency to get stuck in our own views or perspectives.
To bring awareness to this, notice when you become attached to your point of view — this usually manifests as physical tension, defensiveness, or a feeling of righteousness. Then practise seeing the situation from the other person’s perspective:
How is their experience valid and how does it make sense from their point of view?
This is not easy to do (at all!), especially when we are attached to “being right.” However, the more you can see the other person’s perspective as valid, the easier it will be to find common ground, and often, to get what you want.
3. Find Your Own Dialectic Phrase
The sentence “You are doing your best and you can continue to improve” worked well for my client because she had been stuck in an “I need to do better” mindset for a long time. If that phrase doesn’t resonate with you, try one of the following:
You are doing the best you can and you can do better.
You can validate your progress so far and strive for more.
You can feel afraid or insecure and still show up fully.
Choose any of the above or think of your own phrase. Then write it on a post-it note where you can see it regularly or set a reminder on your phone.
Read your dialectic phrase frequently, especially whenever you feel you are giving yourself a hard time or when you feel you are becoming complacent.
Final Thoughts: the Answer Is Rarely in the Extremes
These dialectic tools help balance the tendency of our human minds to think in “black-and-white” and “either-or” terms.
My clients often ask “dualistic” questions like: “Should I do X or Y?” However, I find that most of the time: “the answer is rarely in the extremes.”
Instead, the answer tends to be somewhere in the middle.
Validating both sides invites mental flexibility to find “where in the middle” is the right place for that particular situation.
Try This:
Think of a situation in your life where you feel rigidity — this usually comes from leaning too much into one perspective.
Instead, consider the opposite perspective as valid, and use both opposites in a sentence using ‘and’. See if that allows more flexibility and from this dialectic stance, consider where in the middle is a more empowering or sustainable place.
I’d love to hear how it goes. Feel free to share your experience or your own dialectic phrase in the comments.
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