The Key to Inner Resilience as a Leader

"Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others."

Christopher Germer

I was recently reminded of the importance of our self-talk.

The way we speak to ourselves internally shapes our self-image and forms the basis of our inner resilience.

It can either help us stay connected to our inner resources during challenging times or pull us away from them.

I saw this difference clearly in two separate coaching conversations. 

Our Mind’s Bias Towards What’s Missing

My client had made significant progress since we started working together a couple of months earlier.

He had begun rebuilding routines, felt more on top of his work and was taking steps towards the next stage of his career after a challenging period.

Noticing the progress, I asked him:

“What do you acknowledge yourself for?”

He struggled to answer.

Eventually, he began to recognise that he had brought some structure back into his days.

Then his self-judgement appeared almost immediately.

“I haven’t done much, really. I just have a better routine.”

Instead of using the changes he had made as evidence of progress, his mind discounted them as something small.

If you recognise yourself in this process of minimising your progress, you are not alone.

Our minds are naturally drawn towards what is missing, unresolved or, from an evolutionary perspective, potentially threatening.

For most of human history, noticing danger or realising we were running low on food or supplies helped us survive as a species.

The challenge comes when that same negative bias becomes the default lens through which we see ourselves.

From an external perspective, it was very clear that my client had made real progress. For him, that same progress was almost invisible.

I often see this with leaders I work with. They achieve something significant or overcome a challenge that felt daunting at first, then dismiss it as “not so hard” or “just doing their job” once it is complete.

Given this bias, most of us tend to underestimate what we have completed or accomplished at any given moment.

Unless you consciously practise self-acknowledgement, you are likely to see other people’s effort and progress more objectively than your own. 

The Practice of Self-Acknowledgement

Later that week, I had a follow-up session with a different client who had been promoted to country head of operations in the manufacturing industry a few months earlier.

She had come to the realisation that there were simply not enough people to support the amount of work required, and that the situation had become critical.

Her team was so stretched that she had been pulled back to support several projects, often needing to be in several places at the same time.

This had been going on for so long that she was considering whether to continue in the role.

Nothing about her concerns was exaggerated.

But as we talked, something else became clear.

Despite the challenges, she was able to acknowledge her own effort, her team’s effort and the progress they had made since her appointment as country head.

• She had won new business.

• She had hired new people and developed her team.

• She had brought structure into an environment that had lacked it.

More importantly, she had grown from her previous director role into leading a country operation through extremely challenging circumstances.

Unlike the client in the previous example, she was able to see all of this and acknowledge herself:

“I am proud of what I have achieved here.”

What was interesting to me was not only the tone in her voice. Her whole demeanour had shifted.

Her chest opened.

Her shoulders moved back.

She sounded more grounded and objective.

None of this felt like arrogance.

She was simply allowing herself to see her contribution more objectively.

The external conditions had not changed. The lack of resources, the pressure on her team and the challenges in the business were still there.

But her inner stance seemed stronger because she could acknowledge what she had achieved instead of brushing it away. 

What Makes the Difference?

Having these two sessions close together reminded me that, even when someone is going through significant business challenges, they can find inner resources through practising self-acknowledgement.

It also highlighted how easily we tend to diminish our own effort and progress without realising it.

Both clients were facing real challenges.

Both had put in real effort and made progress.

But only one of them allowed herself to see it.

My first client could only see the challenges ahead and everything that was unfinished.

The second client could acknowledge the challenges while also recognising her effort, growth and impact.

A Skill That Can Be Learned

My second client had not always found it easy to be understanding and kind towards herself.

This is something we had worked on earlier in our coaching.

She had grown up in an environment with high expectations and little positive recognition of effort or progress, so self-acknowledgement did not come naturally to her.

She is ambitious and highly analytical. Before we began working together, she was reluctant to acknowledge her team.

Our coaching work had helped her recognise the importance of acknowledgement, both towards her team and eventually towards herself.

Self-acknowledgement allows your effort, growth and contribution to count alongside what remains unfinished.

It helps you see the situation more fully: 

• What still needs your attention.

• And what you have already moved forward.

Some people think of self-acknowledgement as overindulgence. However, having a fair and objective view of yourself is very different from being “full of yourself”, and it helps you deal with life’s challenges more effectively.

If you only take a couple of ideas from this newsletter, let them be these:

• Self-acknowledgement strengthens your inner resilience.

• And it is a skill that can be learned and strengthened through practice. 

A Practice for the Week

For the next few days, take a few moments at the end of your workday, or in the evening before going to sleep, to make a list of everything you accomplished that day.

These do not need to be big achievements. Include even the seemingly small things:

• Getting started on a project you have been postponing.

• Having a conversation you had been avoiding.

• Giving someone in your team useful feedback.

• Making a decision with the information available.

• Going back to the gym or taking a walk after a difficult day.

Treat this as an achievement journal, not another task to perform perfectly.

Use this journaling practice as evidence to train your mind to see your effort, progress and everything you have accomplished.

For most of us, it is easy to forget or diminish everything we do each day, so you might be surprised by what you find.

Comment below and let me know: what did you learn from listing your accomplishments?