Break the Cycle of Comparison
"Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about."
– Regina Brett
On a recent coaching call, a client working to establish herself as an author, shared something that I frequently hear in my sessions:
"I compare myself to my friends and peers. I see how much they’ve achieved…and how little I have."
Then she added:
"None of them judge me. But I do judge myself, specifically for what I haven’t yet achieved."
This kind of internal comparison is painful as it often leaves us feeling not just behind, but somehow inadequate.
I know that feeling well, as I've experienced it through various phases of my career.
Years ago, working in the corporate world, I compared myself to my peers who seemed deeply engaged with their roles and projects. For me, my work back then felt devoid of any meaning or purpose. However, instead of acknowledging that at the time, my internal comparison became:
"There must be something wrong with me. Everyone else seems to be thriving."
Years later, after moving to London and shifting into 3D animation in film, I was finally doing work I found creatively exciting. But even then comparison continued, shifting to:
"I’m good at my job, but I am not nearly as talented as others working in this industry."
Then, once I moved into leadership consultancy, the comparisons became:
"I’m not as good at presenting."
"I’m not strategic enough."
"I should be better at sales."
Do any of these sound familiar, that creeping sense you’re not doing quite enough?
Although healthy comparison can be useful and motivating, what I regularly see in my clients is the kind of negative, distorted comparison where we always land on the ‘less than’ side of the equation.
At its worst, this negative comparison reinforces impostor syndrome, disconnects us from our values, and can become corrosive by triggering feelings of shame and inadequacy.
The irony is, these comparisons rarely reflect reality; they’re often based on incomplete information and unrealistic expectations.
I’ve seen this in many of my clients, accomplished leaders, creatives, and founders, who, despite the clear evidence of success, still find ways to compare themselves in a negative light to others.
The Hidden Costs of Comparison
The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.”
— Steven Furtick
1. It distorts your self-image
We compare our complex inner experience to someone else’s curated presentation, which we can only see in part from the outside.
On social media, at work, even in casual conversations, we absorb polished versions of others and hold ourselves to unrealistic standards, which are often disconnected from our values and what matters the most to us.
When that internal voice says, "Why haven’t you achieved as much as…", we lose sight of our context, the circumstances that shaped our path and more importantly, the growth that HAS taken place.
2. It disconnects you from your values
Comparison can lead us away from what matters. Instead of asking:
“Is this meaningful to me?”
We ask:
“How does this compare to what others are doing?”
This became clear in a coaching session with a client who is the founder of a growing startup. He was clear about the impact he wanted to make and how he wanted to get there.
However, when he let comparison creep in, he would stop measuring his success by his own standards and values. Instead, he’d look at external markers and tell himself:
"Everyone else is moving faster. I am behind."
He wasn’t behind. He was just out of alignment.
Once he reconnected with what mattered, the anxiety eased, and his focus returned.
3. It fosters disconnection and shame
Comparison often fuels a sense of scarcity and separation.
There’s always someone doing more, achieving more, having more impact, so we keep striving, hoping that doing more will finally make us feel like enough.
But it rarely works that way.
Rather than feeling accomplished, we feel behind.
Instead of energised, we feel depleted.
We judge ourselves harshly and start resenting others.
Then, instead of asking for support or looking for connection, we tend to quietly withdraw and feel even worse, as shame thrives in isolation.
Sound painful? That’s because it is.
But there is another way.
A Healthier Way to Engage With Comparison
Comparison isn’t inherently harmful, however, it needs to be honest, conscious, and compassionate. The goal isn’t to eliminate it, but to relate to it differently.
Here are three ways to engage with comparison in a more constructive and aligned way:
1. Compare yourself to your past self, not to others.
Instead of asking:
“Why am I not where they are?”
Try:
“What have I accomplished?”
“What have I created, healed, or learned in the past five years?”
“What have I overcome that once felt impossible?”
We often forget our own progress because we’re so focused on someone else’s milestones.
Instead, compare yourself, in a fair and generous way, to where you were, and acknowledge everything you have accomplished.
2. Anchor yourself in your values
When we lose touch with what matters to us, we start measuring our lives by what matters to others.
Ask yourself:
"Is this something I truly want, or something that just looks good?"
"Does this goal align with how I want to live and who I want to be?"
As I look back through my previous careers, I often experienced a tug-of-war between external expectations that had little meaning to me, and having the courage to make changes to do work that I found meaningful.
Now I run my own coaching practice in a way that honours my values: authenticity, contribution, and alignment. As a result, I rarely compare, if at all.
This comes from using internal referencing, rather than external, which allows us to have a clearer sense of what is enough for ourselves, not for anyone else.
This approach still allows us to grow, but in ways that feel grounded and self-honouring, regardless of how they might compare to others.
3. Look at the full picture and compare fairly
We often compare ourselves to others through a narrow view of someone else’s:
Job title.
Income.
Level of impact.
Visibility.
But that’s only one piece of their life.
A client of mine who is a business owner often shared that he felt behind when comparing himself to friends who had built impressive businesses.
As I started asking questions to prompt fair comparisons, he quickly realised that:
He deeply valued his relationship with his wife, which he prioritised with time and presence. On the other hand, many of his peers were single, divorced, or struggling to maintain healthy partnerships.
My client exercised regularly and cooked healthy meals at home because he values well-being. Meanwhile, some peers worked 12-hour days, sacrificing their health in pursuit of their careers.
In short, he wasn’t behind.
He was simply living his life in alignment with what mattered most to him. But he was unfairly comparing one part of his life, creating a distorted view.
Once he acknowledged the bigger picture, the comparison lost its power. And ironically, when he shared this with some of his peers, some of them said how much they admired him, because of his balanced way of living, his health and relationships.
Unbeknownst to him, his peers saw him as a role model for balance, which they in turn compared themselves against!
In summary:
If you let your mind make unconscious unfair comparisons, then also give yourself permission to compare holistically and objectively.
When you use this fair comparison, you might realise that: your life choices up until now make sense when measured by your own values and big picture.
From that place of acknowledgement and acceptance, you can then make any necessary changes to move your life in the direction you want to.
Practice for the Week
This week, when you notice the pull of comparison, I invite you to pause and ask:
"How would I measure myself if I didn’t know what anyone else was doing?"
"How far have I come? What have I stayed true to, even when it was hard?"
"If I look at the big picture, how does it make sense that I am exactly where I am?”
Spend some time journaling with these questions as prompts.
Once you’ve written your reflections, look back and ask:
"What matters most to me right now?"
"How can I honour that, even in a small way, this week?”
My hope for you is that you live your life following what truly matters to YOU. Because when you do that fully, what others are doing stops holding the same weight, and negative comparison finally loses its grip.
If this resonated, I’d love to hear from you: in which ways has comparison shown up for you lately, and which of these practices can help you meet it with more kindness and perspective? Let me know in the comments.
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