Rewrite Your Inner Narrative
“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.”
– Brené Brown
Over the past decade, I’ve worked with many thoughtful, talented, high-achieving people: founders, business owners, and professionals doing meaningful work in the world.
Yet despite their success, I’ve noticed a common pattern that seems almost universal: a critical inner voice, quietly running a “not enough” narrative, tends to shape their choices, energy, and behaviour.
Over the years, I’ve come to realise that one of the main causes of suffering doesn’t come from our external circumstances, but from the way we speak to ourselves internally.
This isn’t a personal flaw. It’s a human trait. Our brains are wired with a negativity bias that’s been crucial for survival, but in today’s world, full of comparison and pressure, that bias can turn against us.
It creates a distorted sense of self that pushes us to work harder and harder, often for goals that aren’t necessarily meaningful to us.
My Own Experience
Understanding and working through this bias became key in my own healing.
Growing up as a gay boy in 1980s Mexico - a time and place that was deeply homophobic - I internalised the belief that something was wrong with me.
That belief ran the show for years, fuelling self-judgement and emotional pain.
It wasn’t until later, through my work as a coach (and before that, as a meditation and yoga teacher), that I realised this pattern wasn’t just mine.
Most of us adapt to fit in, and in doing so, disconnect from ourselves. We become our own worst critics in an attempt to be “better,” “more,” or “enough”, at least from an external perspective.
A Common Struggle
Recently, I worked with a client who runs a successful business in the creative and competitive sector. Despite constant team issues, limited resources, and a fast-moving environment, he’s kept the business not just running, but often thriving, for decades.
But as he spoke, I noticed a few phrases from an all-too-familiar voice:
“I can’t do this. I just don’t have it in me.”
“No matter how much I try, I just can’t get anything right.”
“What’s wrong with me? Everyone else seems to have it together.”
I asked if I could repeat some of those back to him, word for word. He agreed. I said his name, then:
“You can’t do this. You just don’t have it in you.”
“No matter how much you try, you just can’t get anything right.”
“What’s wrong with you? Everyone else seems to have it together.”
He looked stunned. It was the first time he had heard those words reflected back, spoken aloud rather than silently endured.
I asked:
“How does it feel to hear that voice mirrored back to you?”
His answer was immediate:
“Horrible.”
Exactly. And yet, that’s the voice so many of us live with daily.
That simple exercise helped him see how his inner critic had been running the show, not just in his business, but in how he related to himself.
I then asked:
“If a friend of yours were in your exact situation, managing a business successfully under tough circumstances, would you speak to him that way?”
He shook his head.
To soften the realisation, I reminded him: this voice is part of being human. Most of us struggle with it silently.
For the first time, he could see the toll this internal dialogue was taking, not just on his energy, but on his trust, satisfaction, and capacity to enjoy what he had built.
The Paradox of the Inner Critic
Here’s the tricky part. The inner critic can appear helpful. Many clients tell me they use that voice to push themselves.
And in the short term, it can work - deadlines get met, goals are hit.
But over time, it wears us down. It creates an adversarial relationship with ourselves.
Instead of feeling motivated, we feel depleted, defensive, or numb.
Criticism is NOT a sustainable source of energy and drive. It erodes our confidence and joy.
A Quick Thought Experiment
Imagine going through your day with someone constantly beside you, commenting on everything you do:
“You haven’t done enough!”
“You’re falling behind!”
“Everyone else manages fine. What’s wrong with you?”
Even if they kept pushing you forward, how would you feel about that person after a while?
This is the issue with the inner critic. Even though that voice seems to motivate us in the short term, it also creates inner resentment, which over time makes us feel tired, stuck, or unmotivated.
When people realise this, they try to fight or shut down the voice, but have you noticed that rarely helps? Instead, when we turn the voice into an ‘enemy’, it tends to become louder.
So what’s the alternative?
Self-Compassion
If there’s one practice that’s helped my clients the most in reducing their inner suffering, it’s self-compassion.
Let’s be clear: self-compassion is not becoming complacent or letting yourself off the hook.
Self-compassion is recognising that you’re doing the best you can with the tools, awareness, and capacity you have right now.
When I first introduce this concept in my coaching sessions, I normally get a version of these:
“But how will I stay motivated?”
“What if I become lazy or let things slip?”
It’s a fair concern. We’re taught that pressure and harshness drive results.
But here’s what I’ve seen consistently:
When we stop wasting energy on self-criticism and start treating ourselves like we would a close friend, we do NOT become lazy. We become freer, more focused, and more grounded in what matters most to us.
Our vision and mindset move away from what we are doing “wrong”, into what is already working, which gives us data points about our values and changes we need to make in our lives.
The Gateway to Self-Compassion
After my client saw the toll of his inner critic, we explored more supportive ways to speak to himself.
Using gentle phrases felt awkward to him, even fake. So I tried something that was relevant to his context:
“Running a business, while having all the insecurities and imperfections of being a human, is far from easy.”
That phrase seemed to land. Then, I added:
“And yet, not only are you doing it, you’ve been doing it successfully for years.”
He is a critical thinker, which is why the “softer” phrases hadn’t resonated with him. However, it was unquestionable that he had run a business successfully for years, despite his (human) insecurities and doubts.
Sometimes, what we need is to hear a compassionate voice from the outside before we can access and internalise self-compassion.
My hope is that this blog post serves as that voice for you.
This Week’s Practice: Find Your Phrase
Here’s my three-step process for you to find your own self-compassionate phrase:
Notice the critic. Just observe how you speak to yourself. Don’t judge it, just notice. Awareness without judgement or criticism is the first step.
Respond with curiosity. When the voice shows up, imagine it’s a younger part of you that feels scared, insecure, or overwhelmed. Feel into what that younger part needs, maybe acceptance, validation, care, and understanding.
Find your phrase. Find a self-compassionate phrase that meets the need you uncovered in the previous step. You’ll know it’s right when you feel a shift in your body, your breath, or your energy.
Here are a few examples to get you started:
“This is tough, and I’m allowed to be human.”
“I’ve been doing my best with what I have.”
“Others may seem like they have it all together, but they struggle too.”
“It’s been a challenging period. It makes sense that I feel overwhelmed.”
You don’t need the perfect sentence. Just something honest, validating, and relieving.
If you’re struggling, start with context:
“I’ve just started a new role, so it makes sense that I feel out of my depth.”
“It’s the first time I’m managing a team, of course, it feels new and challenging.”
“We’re about to move house, I’m running a business, and I’m having a tough time in my relationship; anyone in my shoes would find it hard.”
When you find your phrase, pause and notice how you are feeling.
What’s different about motivating yourself with kindness rather than criticism?
As always, I’d love to hear from you. Share your self-compassion phrase, or any insight that came up from this in the comments.
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