From Fear to Freedom: Rewriting Your Inner ‘NOs’
“The past is a place of reference, not a place of residence.”
– Roy T. Bennett
In my own life and coaching work, I’m often reminded how much our past experiences not only inform but also limit our present mindset and behaviours.
While some lessons guide us in useful ways, others create unconscious barriers that hinder our growth. I was reminded of this subtle difference during a recent coaching session.
A long-term client shared that she was considering putting herself out there to date again. She had recently closed the door on a past relationship and, after some reflection, had decided it was time to stop waiting for her previous partner to come back. But alongside this clarity, a deep hesitation had crept in.
She spoke honestly about her fears: What if she gets hurt again? What if no one she meets is emotionally available? What if disappointment becomes the norm?
As she spoke, I could see how her past experiences had become barriers to what she longed for most: connection, intimacy, and eventually starting a family. She was in a state of freeze, caught between what she truly wanted and the fear of what might happen if she went for it.
Have you ever experienced this paradox yourself?
About halfway through our session, I asked her to discern the learnings from the limitations by asking these questions:
What are the lessons about relationships that are useful and can support you moving forward?
And what limiting beliefs have been created unconsciously that are no longer serving you?
She shared that she was afraid of making the same mistakes she had in the past, so she was being overly careful. I responded gently:
"You’re not the same person you were when you made those decisions."
She paused. I could see her reflecting. Then I added:
“Those experiences helped you learn and mature. You’re now more prepared to make conscious, aligned choices. And by taking no action, you’re already choosing to keep everything the same, closing yourself off from what you truly want.”
I went on:
“If you treat those experiences as guides rather than limitations, you can take small, intentional actions that move you toward intimacy, while staying connected to your needs and values.”
Building Awareness
This exchange with my client reminded me of something I see regularly:
As we grow older, our life experiences shape the rules we live by. Unless we become aware of them, those internal rules, often shaped by pain, start limiting what we believe is possible.
Have you ever noticed thoughts like:
“I’m just not good at that.”
“Never again will I…”
“I tried once and failed - what’s the point?”
“There are no decent people left.”
It makes sense. Pain teaches us what to avoid. But over time, some of these avoidances can solidify into limiting beliefs. This is what I call unconscious NOs.
These are internal narratives that whisper: “Don’t try,” “That won’t work,” or “Not for someone like me.”
Two types of inner “NOs”
In coaching, one of the most powerful shifts people make is learning to distinguish between two kinds of “NOs”:
Conscious NOs
This is a healthy, intentional boundary, a decision based on your values, needs, and truth. These kinds of “NOs” are useful because they help you discern what matters and where to focus your energy.
In other words, by saying no to some choices, you create space to say YES to what is truly important.
Unconscious No
This is a protective response that operates beneath the surface and it is NOT useful.
It sounds like:
“You can’t do that”
“Why even bother trying?”
“I always fail at that.”
Unconscious NOs aim to keep you safe, because if you don’t try, you can’t fail or get hurt.
But safety often comes at the cost of growth. Left unchecked, these internal messages shrink your world and keep you stuck.
The tricky part? These NOs often feel like common sense. Logical. Sensible. Even responsible. But beneath them is usually an outdated story about who you were, not who you are now.
Rewiring the Unconscious “NOs”
Here’s a practical reflection you can try this week:
Step 1: Identify the area
Think of something important to you right now that feels slightly blocked.
Exploring a new career path.
Putting yourself out there in dating.
Launching a creative project.
Applying for a promotion.
Choose something that matters to you but where you’ve noticed hesitation or self-doubt.
Step 2: Listen to your inner dialogue
Close your eyes. Imagine fully stepping into that situation or change.
What thoughts show up?
What does your mind say about your chances, abilities, or the people involved?
What assumptions are you making about what’s possible?
Write down everything, without censoring and without judgment:
“I’m too old for that.”
“There are no decent people left.”
“I won’t be able to support myself doing that.”
Be honest. Write it all out.
Step 3: Pause and observe
Now, take a breath. Read back what you wrote.
As you do, notice:
What happens in your body?
What emotions arise?
What’s your state of mind as you sit with these beliefs?
This is a powerful moment. You’re bringing unconscious material into the light.
Step 4: Reframe the beliefs
Take each “no” statement and rewrite it into a more open or empowering version:
“People older than me change careers successfully.”
“There might be emotionally available people out there.”
“I could make this work if I take it step by step.”
If those still feel out of reach, soften them with:
“I’m open to the possibility that this could work.”
“I’m open to meeting someone different.”
“I’m open to growing in this direction.”
If those are still too far, try these:
“I’m open to researching a new career.”
“I’m willing to speak to people who’ve made this kind of change.”
“I’m open to asking for support.”
You only need ONE statement that feels slightly doable, even if it’s scary.
Step 5: Take a small action
Any shift in mindset needs action to be fully integrated.
Write down 1–3 small, specific actions you could take this week.
Speak to someone about the change you want to make.
Research that course you’ve been considering.
Put yourself in a space where opportunities might arise.
Then, do it immediately, you’ll feel better afterwards, I promise!
If now isn’t possible, schedule it in your calendar today. Or tell someone and ask them to hold you accountable. This is useful because we tend to show up more consistently for others than we do for ourselves.
Final Thought
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
You are not the same person you were five or ten years ago.
Honour your past and let it guide you.
But don’t let it limit you.
If you found these reflections helpful, or if you’d like a bit of accountability, let me know in the comments what action you’re taking this week. I’d love to support you in taking your first step.
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