Why Choosing Yourself First Isn’t Selfish (it’s Self-Fullness)
“You owe yourself the love that you so freely give to others.”
– Unknown
The words selfish or selfishness have a bad rap.
Most of us grow up learning that being selfish is something “bad”, something to avoid.
From childhood, we're encouraged to care for others, to share, to compromise, and to think about how others feel. These are wonderful values that foster kindness, empathy, understanding, and connection.
On the other hand, for many people, especially those of us who are sensitive, empathic, and deeply caring, putting others’ needs ahead of our own may leave us and our needs at the bottom of the list.
I see this often in my work with empathic leaders, conscious business owners, and individuals in caring relationships.
We want to be good friends, good parents, good partners, good humans. We routinely prioritise others over ourselves in the hope they will do the same.
And when this doesn’t happen, resentment builds, and ironically, the connection that we value the most begins to erode.
The Cost of Self-Forgetting
A client of mine recently opened up about a desire to lose weight and improve his health. He framed it as a way to be a better partner. His wife had been asking him to get back into fitness as a way to show care for her and the relationship.
When I asked him:
“How much of this is for you (vs for your wife)?”
He paused.
The idea that his well-being might matter to him, in its own right, was unfamiliar.
During the session, he realised that his focus defaults to an external reference, often disconnected from what he wants or needs.
I see this pattern often in my clients. We forget ourselves in the service of the other. We’ve been taught to show love by self-sacrifice.
However, when self-sacrifice becomes a pattern, a default, a way of relating, we slowly start to disconnect from ourselves, our needs, our values, and what is most important to us.
This pattern isn’t unique to my clients. I’ve seen it in my own life over the years.
Not long ago I had to make a difficult personal choice involving someone very close to me.
As a highly sensitive person, I grew up attuned to the needs of others around me, so even in my adult life, I had a default of leaving myself last, by putting others first. I’d tell myself:
“It would be selfish not to do this.”
“They’re going through a hard time.”
“I can do this for them, it’s not that big of a deal.”
But over time, I noticed that these seemingly small sacrifices accumulated. I became frustrated, withdrawn and resentful.
Ironically, when we care mostly (or purely) for the other, over time, the person that we are trying to care for also gets affected. This is because the build-up of resentment starts eroding the relationship and begins to show up, even in unconscious ways.
So this approach is not only unsustainable, but over time, it’s a lose-lose situation for everyone involved.
After years of working on my ‘people-pleasing’ default, I have learned to pick up the internal indicators of “self-forgetting”: a sense of discomfort, the anticipated resentment that I have felt many times, or a sense of a ‘debt’ that gets built when we do something for others while ignoring ourselves.
In this recent situation, I realised something essential:
Choosing myself didn’t mean abandoning the other person.
It meant telling the truth.
It meant showing up fully, for myself and the other.
It meant treating my needs with the same care I often extend to others.
Why Choosing Yourself Isn’t Selfish
This might surprise you coming from a coach and mentor who has spent years understanding relationships. My clear learning over the years is:
Choose yourself first.
This is not about entitlement or ego. It’s about recognising that when we consistently silence our own needs, we teach ourselves that we don’t matter.
Over the last decade of coaching, I’ve seen a consistent pattern:
The people who are most capable of deep, generous care for others are those who have learned to include themselves in the equation.
They’ve developed strong self-respect, clear boundaries, and the ability to stay connected to their truth, even when that means disappointing someone else.
This is not selfishness. It is self-fullness.
Selfishness is about disregarding others.
Self-fullness is about including yourself. It means that your needs, your values, your truth, matter too.
Selfishness is “me instead of you.”
Self-fullness is “me AS WELL as you.”
The Intention Underneath the Given
One key distinction that has been studied in relationships is that between:
Approach-motivated sacrifice: when we give because we want to deepen connection
and
Avoidance-motivated sacrifice: when we give to avoid conflict or rejection.
People who sacrifice from avoidance tend to feel more resentful and less satisfied.
On the other hand, when we’re grounded in our values and choose to give freely, without abandoning ourselves, the relationship tends to flourish.
This aligns with the practice of self-compassion and the work of Kristin Neff. Her research shows that people who practise self-kindness, mindful awareness, and an understanding of their shared humanity are:
More resilient.
More connected.
More capable of true intimacy.
Interestingly, the people who practice self-fullness are also better at setting healthier boundaries.
So, if you want a deeper connection with others, one of the best places to start is by developing a stronger relationship with yourself, or as a dear friend of mine said: marry yourself first.
Self-fullness at its Best
One of my closest friends embodied a deep act of selflessness during her wedding in a beautiful way, which has stayed with me up until now.
During the ceremony set in a beautiful garden, she read the vows she had written herself. Holding a microphone and looking to her husband-to-be in the eyes, she said:
“I promise to care for myself and to respect my own needs and boundaries. I promise to understand myself and care for myself as much as possible, so that I can be the best version of myself for you and our future family.”
Even a decade later, those words still resonate deeply with me, because they name something we often forget: how we treat ourselves is directly related to how we relate to others.
A Practice to Try This Week
If this resonates, here’s my invitation for you:
Identify where you tend to self-forget.
Think of situations or relationships where you regularly override your own needs, big or small.
Choose one specific relationship.
Maybe it’s your partner, a friend, a colleague or a family member.
Take a pause to buy yourself time before committing.
Rather than defaulting to “yes” try saying: “Let me get back to you.” This small pause gives you space to connect with your own needs and truth.
Anticipate your default, without judgment.
Notice what your default would be in this situation, what have you learned about how you have acted in similar past scenarios? Do so without judgement knowing this default has served you in the past, but it might not be serving you any more.
Practise the opposite action.
Ask yourself: What would it mean to choose myself here? Then do that, even if it’s uncomfortable.
This isn’t about becoming rigid or unkind. It’s about practising integrity with yourself.
It’s about staying connected to your needs so you can relate to others from a place of wholeness, not unconscious self-sacrifice and depletion.
Put on Your Own Mask First
“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.”
– Steve Maraboli
Just like on an aeroplane, we are instructed to:
“Put on our oxygen mask first, before assisting others”
The same applies in life.
When you “put on your own mask first”, by honouring your needs and your boundaries, you’re in the best possible place to care for others, both sustainably and generously.
If you take just one thing from this blog post, let it be this:
Choose yourself first.
Or, as my friend said on her wedding day:
Marry yourself first.
Your relationship with yourself is the longest and most important relationship you will have in your life!
And how you care for the relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship in your life.
As always, I’d love to hear from you. Let me know in the comments what choosing yourself looks like in a particular situation or relationship.
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