From External Approval to Inner Truth: A Practice in Authenticity
“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”
– Brené Brown
Recently, in two separate sessions, I was reminded of a struggle I often see in my clients and have experienced myself many times.
It is the ongoing tension between:
Attending to what other people need or expect from us (external referencing)
versus
Listening to our own needs, values, and what’s most important to us (internal referencing).
Most of us know both experiences well. At times, we lean on external cues for belonging or harmony, while other times, we rely on our inner compass.
While both “opposites” are valid, I often see how easily we sacrifice inner truth for external measures, many of which prove far less important than we imagine.
Why Listening to Your Inner Compass Matters
Internal referencing means making decisions guided by your own compass. It is the opposite of external referencing, where the starting point is what others think or what we assume they expect from us.
I know this distinction well, as I grew up with clear expectations about what I was “supposed” to do and who I was “supposed” to be. From those experiences, I became so skilled at reading what others wanted and then becoming that person.
However, there was a problem:
On the outside, everything looked fine.
But, inside, I was deeply disconnected from myself.
In my twenties, I moved to Europe searching for something I could not name at the time:
Authenticity.
It took years to unlearn the default of attending to external cues first, and to learn how to trust my inner voice and what I truly longed for.
Having lived on both sides, I know the difference between following someone else’s map and finding your own path.
This unlearning and realignment is at the heart of my coaching work.
I help clients realign with their own internally referenced path, even when the fog, overgrown weeds, and misleading signposts of external referencing have made them lose their way.
How Inner Alignment Builds Stronger Relationships
Authenticity is not just “being yourself.” It is a continuous practice of awareness, acceptance, and values-based action.
Interestingly, the more we align through internal referencing, the easier it becomes to build healthy relationships with others. Research consistently shows that:
People who remain anchored in themselves while staying connected to others experience less burnout and more fulfilling relationships.
Teams led by authentic leaders report higher engagement, commitment, and well-being.
Leaders who act from their own values, rather than copying others, are perceived as more trustworthy and effective.
Here are a few real-life examples to illustrate this:
Breaking Free from the “Good Child” Pattern
One client had been working on finding his voice. He would often freeze or feel stuck when having difficult conversations, especially at work.
When I asked him what his younger self had been told that made him shut down, he answered:
“Stay quiet. Don’t rock the boat.”
Then, when I followed up by asking what that younger self needed, he said without hesitation:
“Support to be myself and to speak my truth.”
His voice was breaking and his eyes became teary as he realised how long he had been holding back.
This “good child” conditioning still shaped his work and especially his relationship with his business partner. That old conditioning to “stay quiet and avoid rocking the boat” made him fear conflict and withdraw.
As some of that conditioning and those fears softened, he was able to tune inward and find a new (internally referenced) place to speak and relate to others from.
We built a practice for him to follow, especially with his business partner, whenever this pattern arose.
Before commenting on an issue or agreeing to a request, he started asking himself:
What do I want?
What do I need?
And he then started honouring the answers that came up.
This shift gave him the courage to have difficult but transformative conversations, both for him and his partner, on how they were leading their business.
Redefining Conflict Through Authentic Leadership
Another client came back after a break from coaching. In the past, her feedback at work had been that she needed to be more directive, assertive, even “aggressive” with her team.
When we reconnected, she admitted how uncomfortable it was to copy the leaders around her. She equated being good at conflict with being aggressive, which left her frustrated and unlike herself.
Through our work, she realised she didn’t need to mimic others. For her, healthy conflict meant bringing a calm, grounded presence, asking tough questions without hostility, and standing firmly in her truth.
By shifting from external to internal referencing, she found a new stance: assertive yet respectful, direct yet grounded. Most importantly, it was both authentic and effective.
Building Leadership from Your Strengths
Years ago, I worked with a client who was naturally empathetic and tended to avoid conflict. Her boss was considering promoting her to a role where she would manage her peers, not an easy transition.
She often avoided conflict, even tolerating unhealthy dynamics and aggressive communication patterns. Much of our work focused on helping her see that insecurity had been forcing her to tolerate behaviours she wouldn’t accept elsewhere.
As she grew more confident, she realised her leadership was grounded in her knowledge and experience, which her peers respected. She needed to own her strengths to believe she was the right person for the role.
Once that mindset shifted, she was able to balance two qualities she once thought were opposites:
Being directive and assertive, often calling out unhealthy dynamics.
Being empathetic and understanding, qualities she already had.
The balance of these qualities became her form of authentic leadership, one that earned her peers’ trust and confirmed her promotion.
The Tension Between Inner vs Outer Alignment
The common struggle I see in empathic leaders and sensitive individuals is this:
When we lean too heavily on external referencing to appease or avoid conflict, we may maintain superficial harmony in relationships. But it comes at a cost, the erosion of our relationship with ourselves.
When we neglect our inner compass “in service” of others, we do a disservice to ourselves that eventually drains our energy and even harms our external relationships.
Ignoring your inner compass does a disservice not only to yourself but also to those around you.
Instead, when we start with internal referencing — honouring our values and naming our truth — we stand on solid ground. From that solidity, relationships become healthier, trust deepens, and conflicts turn into opportunities for growth.
Here is the paradox: the more we honour ourselves internally, the stronger our external relationships become.
A Simple Practice to Strengthen Self-Trust
This week, notice one moment when you are leaning too much on others’ expectations, whether in a meeting, a decision, or a conversation.
Pause – Take a breath and notice the pull to please or agree.
Ask – What do I want? What do I need?
Realign – Choose to act from your inner reference.
Notice how different the interaction is when it is internally referenced.
I know this sounds easier than it might be in real life, however, building awareness of these patterns is the first step to shifting them.
Final Reflection: Strengthening Your Inner Compass
Our relationship with ourselves is the foundation of every other relationship. When we honour our truth, we not only stand more firmly in who we are, we also create stronger, more authentic connections with others.
This week, give yourself the gift of referencing inward first.
The resonance you seek externally is often already within.
As usual, I would love to hear about your experience with this process, let me know in the comments and share your insights, challenges and wins with this referencing shift.
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