The Hidden Cost of Becoming A Leader
“What got you here won't get you there.”
– Marshall Goldsmith
You just got promoted to a leadership role.
On paper, it's great. But after the initial celebration, you're overwhelmed, uncertain, and perhaps even a little lost now that you are leading a team.
You were excellent at your job. But suddenly, the skills that made you invaluable as an individual contributor don't translate in quite the same way anymore.
If this sounds like you, you are not alone.
I recently started working with a client who was going through exactly this process.
She had recently been promoted to a director role after a restructuring at her company. Not because there was a clear leadership pipeline, but because it was easier than recruiting from outside. She was technically brilliant. Years of experience. Knew the company inside out. The obvious choice.
But now, sitting in her new role, she felt lost.
And because she felt lost, she kept defaulting to what she knew best.
The technical work.
Not because she had to, but because it was the only place she still felt genuinely competent.
When she was trying to lead, trying to understand her team's dynamics, adapt her approach, and develop people, she felt like a beginner again.
When she was doing the technical work, she knew she was adding value. She knew she was good.
I asked her directly:
"What's driving you to keep doing the technical work?"
She paused.
"Because I'm good at it. And right now, I don't feel good at leadership. I want to show my team I'm still a team player, that I'm taking some of the load off them."
There it was.
The disorientation. The self-doubt. The pull back towards mastery.
I validated both things at once.
"It's normal to want to go back to what you do best. However, when you step away from the big picture to do the detailed work, you lose sight of strategy and your team loses direction. They need you to be the one who sees the whole board, not the one in the trenches with them."
She knew this intellectually.
But emotionally, retreating to technical work felt more familiar (and safer!) than admitting she didn't yet know how to lead effectively.
It's Not a Skills Gap. It's an Identity Shift.
Here's what most leadership development programmes miss:
When you move from individual contributor to leader, the real challenge isn't simply learning new skills. It's letting go of an identity that has served you for years.
You built an identity around your expertise. Being the person who knows. The one people come to for answers. The clarity that comes with mastery.
That identity wasn't just professional.
It became part of how you understood your value, your sense of occupational identity.
And now, in this new role, that identity no longer fits in the same way.
So what happens?
You overfunction. You stay overly involved. You insert yourself into decisions that should be delegated. You cling to expertise as a way to maintain relevance.
Not because you're incapable of leading, but because your nervous system is trying to find solid ground.
This is why leadership transitions can feel so disorientating.
And it's worth asking yourself:
When you're stretched by something new, where do you tend to retreat to what already feels comfortable and familiar?
The Expert Trap
My client pushed back when I named this.
She genuinely believed that doing the technical work alongside her team made her more credible. More human. More of a team player.
I understood the impulse.
But I asked her to consider the cost.
When you're absorbed in the technical detail, you lose sight of something only you, as the leader, can see.
The whole picture.
How your team is actually functioning.
Who's growing and who's stuck.
Where energy is flowing and where it's blocked.
What each person needs to do their best work.
One of the most important shifts a new leader can make isn't learning to delegate tasks. It's learning to understand people.
To recognise what motivates them.
What blocks them.
How they communicate.
How they receive feedback.
How to create the conditions for them to grow, contribute, and step into their own expertise.
That's a significant part of the work.
And it requires you to spend less time inside the detail and more time observing the system as a whole.
When my client heard this, something shifted.
Not because the technical work stopped mattering.
But because she could finally see that by staying in it, she was withholding the most valuable thing she had to offer.
Leadership Growth Is Subtractive
Here's the part nobody tells you.
Leadership growth isn't only additive.
You don't simply add new skills on top of who you already are.
Every meaningful transition asks you to release something that once worked in order to become effective at the next level.
And releasing something that gave you confidence, certainty, and a sense of worth can be surprisingly difficult.
There can be a genuine sense of loss.
The loss of being the expert.
The loss of knowing exactly what good looks like.
The loss of immediate, visible results.
The loss of an identity that once felt solid.
Many people try to skip over that discomfort and move straight to confidence in the new role.
But what isn't acknowledged often continues to shape our behaviour beneath the surface.
When the loss is recognised and accepted, something important happens.
The energy that was spent holding on becomes available for learning, curiosity, and growth.
A Practice for the Week: HEAL
Most leadership advice focuses on behaviour.
But because this transition is also emotional, it helps to work at both levels.
Here is a simple four-step guide to help you process this transition into leadership:
H: Honour the loss
Start here.
A promotion can be both a celebration and a loss.
You are stepping into something new while leaving something familiar behind.
Give yourself permission to acknowledge that.
You might say:
"I miss being the expert."
"I miss knowing I was good at this."
We rarely associate promotion with loss. Yet honouring that loss is what lays the foundation for growth.
E: Experience it in your body
The discomfort of transition doesn't only exist in your thoughts.
It often shows up physically.
The next time you feel pulled back toward the technical work, pause.
Notice what's happening in your body.
Is there tightness in your chest?
Restlessness?
An urge to prove yourself?
Instead of immediately acting on it, stay with it for a moment.
Even two minutes is enough.
Notice it.
Allow it.
Become curious about it.
Growth often feels uncomfortable precisely because you're moving beyond what is familiar.
A: Adjust your lens
Many new leaders fall into an either/or trap.
"I'm good at my old job OR I'm struggling as a leader."
Try replacing OR with AND.
"I am excellent at what I've built AND I am learning something new."
"I feel uncertain AND I am developing."
"I don't have all the answers yet AND I am becoming the kind of leader who helps others find theirs."
Both realities can exist at the same time.
Holding that tension is often where a new identity begins to form.
L: Lead from your values
For heart-centred leaders, this part matters.
The desire to support your team, contribute, and stay connected to people isn't the problem.
It's often one of your greatest strengths.
The transition isn't asking you to care less.
It's asking you to express that care differently.
When you become the person who truly sees your team, understands what they need, and creates the conditions for them to thrive, your contribution becomes far greater than anything you could achieve by staying in the technical work alone.
That's the purpose of leadership.
This transition is hard.
It's disorientating.
It asks you to release an identity that has served you well.
But on the other side is a version of you that leads with greater presence, perspective, and impact.
That version is already forming.
Are you in this transition right now? Which step of HEAL do you most need?
Comment below and let me know. I read every response.
And if you need more guidance on how to process the emotional loss or to validate both aspects of the transition you are going through, these articles may help:
How to Feel and Process Emotions
How Dialectical Thinking Can Help You Balance Self-Acceptance and Change
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